Wedding Planning

Why I Freaked Out After My Wedding

freaked out after wedding

freaked out after wedding freaked out after wedding freaked out after wedding freaked out after wedding freaked out after wedding

Why I Freaked Out After My Wedding

I will set the scene for you.

 

Our wedding night was last night.

We are on a plane to paradise for the honeymoon.

I look at her on my right and I cry.

 

I have written a number of captions and blogs that describe how much I love Dani. She is my best friend and will be for the rest of our lives. I even wrote a blog post about how much I hated the period of anticipation leading up to the wedding ceremony called “engagement.” But when the day finally came, the planning was over, the questions of “if I was ready” stopped pouring in, the dancing was done, and the limo doors closed I realized my wedding was over.

 

What was I left with?

 

I was left with this big open door called the future and it all hit me as I looked to the right on the plane.

 

Dani had spent months receiving advice from her followers about how you are actually going to feel on your wedding day. They warned that it was not going to be the fairytale that is on repeat in her head because no moment could ever meet that expectation. They warned her to not get caught up in the details but to just simply enjoy the moment. Hundreds of people contacted her and let her know how she would probably feel before, during, and after. She would even share this wisdom with me at dinner or on our walks but I wouldn’t listen. My bravado was too thick to be anything but emotionally tough and stable for the rest of our lives after the ceremony.

 

I look at her on my right and cry.

 

There are never enough resources for how men are supposed to feel in certain situations. Maybe there are and I am part of the epidemic of ego that just simply ignores them until the situation becomes dire. No one talks to men about how they are supposed to feel the day after their wedding. I will step up to the plate and try and recap what I went through.

 

Before I looked to my right and cried, I purchased Southwest Airlines Wifi and started Googling. I was looking for answers about how I felt. “I love my wife but I feel scared after wedding,” I typed, and every combination of keywords in between there. Turns out that there is a thing that no one really talks about called Post Wedding Depression.

 

Here is how clinical pyschologist, Jocelyn Charnas describes it:

“[It] happens when couples experience a period of letdown following the excitement of planning the wedding. It seems counterintuitive that you might feel down after what’s meant to be the best day ever, but so many people experience highs and lows in life, especially after big events.”

 

I do not know where the men (and women) reading this are at in their wedding journey. Maybe you are six months out in which case I think that this is plenty of time for your emotional bootcamp. Since we are in the height of wedding season, some of you may be getting married tomorrow in which case a simple browse will still for sure help you not feel alone. Even if you are post-wedding and in the phase of depression, you can at least know you are not alone if Google has not already told you like I will.

 

Here are some pro-tips that I would highly recommend reading before your ceremony:

 

Dream for After the Wedding Instead of Just For The Wedding

Sometimes I feel like we spend so much time planning for this one day that we forget that this one day is only the start of a lifetime. What ends up happening is that everything we work toward for months as a couple is spent in a 24 hour period and then we do not know what the plan is after. When we graduate high school and college we typically have a plan. In fact, the ceremony is a mile-marker for our future plan. We spend months before applying to colleges and equivalent months interviewing for after college.

Falling prey to not devoting conversation and passion toward after the wedding is like walking out of a high school or college graduation and then Googling where to go to college or where to work the next day. It is going to inevitably leave you feeling overwhelmed and anxious. You don’t have to have it all together necessarily, but start submitting some dream and goals to one another. It’s the best for the transition for sure.

 

Tell your spouse how you are feeling

I turned my screen brightness to super low and would switch between browsers on the plane before I told Dani how I was feeling. I guess I just didn’t want to let her down which is a very natural response that I will have my whole life. I’d like to say that I came to the realization that we are one now and that it is selfish for me to experience the bad alone in the same way it would be the positive emotions. But it actually was the flight attendant acknowledging me as Dani’s husband for the first time that set me over the edge in fear and tears.

The minute that I told Dani she responded so well. She helped break down my confusion and what I was feeling, she shared with me the advice she had received, and she made me feel not alone. It’s a tough conversation and every spouse will react differently but I think it’s important that you share with your wife what you are going through. Just pad it as much as possible to help them understand it is not about them and your love for them. It is about what Jordan and Psychology Today described as a counterintuitive phenomenon.

 

Focus on a marriage you admire

It has been almost two months now since that day, but I think I have pinpointed what I was afraid of most that day. Have you ever looked at a married man or marriage and just said “man, I do not want to end up like that”. Most of us have “that guy” whether we like to admit it or not. “That guy” for me is someone who gave up on his dreams, let himself go, became cynical, and generally gave up. “That guy” to me is someone who used marriage as a haven to do so.

When that fear struck me, I was just focused on the wrong marriages. I would really advise that you and your spouse find a spouse and marriage that you admire. There is nothing like seeing a marriage that operates like God intended it to. It is something to aspire to and it will give you both a backdrop and a bearing on what true north should look like for you as a husband and couple. When you have something to gaze at like this then marriage isn’t the beginning of the end for you but it will empower you in life.

 

Don’t see the wedding as the end, see it as the beginning

According to Psychology Today, “Blue brides viewed their weddings as the end goal. In contrast, happy brides viewed their weddings as the start of a new chapter.” I’m sure it’s about the same for us, too. I remember being on the plane and thinking that this was basically going to be my last vacation ever. It’s hilarious to think about that now, but it was very real to me in that moment. All I saw was my future flash before my eyes and I couldn’t see married life being any better than our dating life. Society has this idea that after you get married you give up, you’ve achieved what is most important and you can stop trying so hard.

However, that doesn’t have to be the case. I’d say your marriage would be a lot stronger if you chose not to dwell in that comfort state for too long. If you see it as the opportunity to fulfill your dreams alongside your favorite teammate, it’ll never be boring; it’ll never feel complacent.

 

It’s not a murder, it’s a merger

In general I was scared for a moment that marriage was going to murder every dream, ambition, and pursuit I wanted for myself as an individual. Realistically, it actually didn’t. It was a merger. It is kind of like when a two corporations merge. Typically this happens when the two companies are stronger together than they are apart, have kindred visions for the future, and similar values.

Marriage wasn’t a murder of all things I had envisioned for my life. It actually helped me give up the concepts of my life that were selfish and unnecessary for a much bigger life with someone who had her own identity and vision for life. It was like refining the worst parts of us and coming to the table to merge the best parts into one. Marriage is a merger and the sooner I realized that the more happy and hopeful I was about a bright and fun future again.

 

If you are feeling any or all of these things after your wedding day then just know that you aren’t alone.

 

Xoxo,
Jordan

 

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29 Comments

  • Reply
    Mercedes
    July 11, 2018 at 1:48 pm

    I needed this more than you know. Thank you Thank you Thank you.

  • Reply
    Ryan
    July 11, 2018 at 1:54 pm

    Beautifully written and so honorable of you to share personal details I’m sure were difficult! Thank you for taking the initiative to provide awareness and support for others! You’re already a wonderful husband to Dani!

    <3

  • Reply
    Grace
    July 11, 2018 at 2:06 pm

    Jordon you are an amazing writer. I am too young to even be thinking about marriage but you and Dani are definitely a couple I admire. That was a really cool post great job!

  • Reply
    Melanie
    July 11, 2018 at 2:08 pm

    This is great advice Jordan! Thanks for sharing. You are an awesome writer.

  • Reply
    Alexis
    July 11, 2018 at 2:14 pm

    Thank you Jordan for sharing this!
    It was beautifully written

  • Reply
    Jenny
    July 11, 2018 at 2:25 pm

    First of all, thank you!!! I find that we live in a world where being vulnerable is a sign of weakness…being truthful about feelings should be a sign of strength! We need more men like you telling other men IT IS GOOD TO FEEL, to cry, to feel any type of way. Men, let me just tell you while we find attractive a strong leader, we also find attractive a men who is so honest he is not afraid to demonstrate his lowest moments and fears. That is the type of man I would like to marry anyways. Jordan, you are such a good writer!! I would 100% love to see more of your writings over here. Thank you again!! All my love to both of you! Thank you both for letting us she a part of your journey, it’s such an inspiration. Your relationship tells me not to settle because there is a man God purposely has chosen for me! And the wait it’s so worth it.

  • Reply
    Sierra
    July 11, 2018 at 2:28 pm

    Oh my goodness, this is perfectly written! Thanks for sharing! Even though I’m a female and had mentally prepared myself for the post-wedding crash, I didn’t realize it when it was happening until about 3 months later! The first 3 months of our marriage, my heart was “resisting” the change. On the outside, my husband and I had many laughs, many great date nights, and were enjoying the newlywed life. But every night as we lied down to sleep, there was this looming fear that I felt like I couldn’t escape. There was a part of me that was still wanting to cling to my “single-hood” and felt resentment that my husband took that away from me. It wasn’t until the day of thanksgiving, whilst driving back from my families house (which is enough to emotionally drain anyone lol), we got into an argument. In the midst of our argument, my husband just looked at me and said, “you know, I’m on your side. Everything I say to you is to build you up, I’m not trying to tear you down. I love you and want to support you.” It was when he said those words that I broke. I literally cried the whole drive back to Austin from Dallas, and laid in bed and cried all night (sorry hubs LOL). Anyway, Long story short, that’s when I finally let go of my singleness and gladly embraced marriage. I guess it took 3 months for it to click for me that we are on the same team, fighting FOR each other, not against. And ever since then, I kid you not, my husband and I fall asleep laughing every night. It’s crazy what a little perspective shift can do for ya!

    Thanks for sharing your feelings, Jordan!! All of the advise is so great!
    I felt like I was the only one who experienced this. When I shared it with my husband, he said he never had regret / fear after our wedding, so then I felt even worse lol. Glad to know I’m not crazy though.

    And watching yalls marriage and vulnerability with each other has actually encouraged me SO MUCH. so believe it or not, yalls marriage is probably the marriage many people look to as their “dream” marriage, so thank you for sharing your vulnerabilities with us and letting us grow with yall!

    • Reply
      Kelsee
      July 11, 2018 at 2:41 pm

      Wow! So frickin awesome that you shared this Jordan!

  • Reply
    Samantha Passage
    July 11, 2018 at 2:50 pm

    Thank you Jordan for sharing your heart and your experience. I am 30 years old and have been single my whole life. I would love to get married one day but I also have some fears about marriage and you spoke to one of my biggest fears. I had this huge fear that marriage would murder all my ambitions and dreams, how could I find someone that had similar dream and values as me. So in the end I thought that marriage would make me give up all of that. I absolutely loved it when you said that marriage is a merger. I have never thought of that in that way. So thank you so much for sharing your perspective 🙂

  • Reply
    Kaylan
    July 11, 2018 at 2:56 pm

    Loved this post so much!! I could definitely tell that it toon Jordan a lot to be vulnerable and open up about how he was feeling but I feel like so many people will be able to benefit and relate to what he said! And even though I’m much younger and marriage isn’t really on my horizon yet, I definitely think there are still things to be learned regardless of your age, relationship status, etc. great job Jordan!! We love to hear from you!

  • Reply
    Haley
    July 11, 2018 at 3:20 pm

    What a beautifully written article. Thank you both for being so vulnerable and creating such a positive light!

  • Reply
    Bridget
    July 11, 2018 at 3:22 pm

    That was so beautifully written, Jordan! More guys should share more about this and not being afraid to do so. Someone once told me that you should always continue to date your spouse (which I’m sure you’ve heard before as well). It’s a huge change and step for the groom because you became a husband to your wife…which has finally come to a reality! Completely valid feelings, You had a great point about finding a couple to look up to within your marriage! It’s so true. I pray someday I find a guy who shares thoughts like you do, Jordan. It’s so important to be vulnerable and say what’s on your mind! It’s funny, my sister got married two weeks after your wedding and my whole entire family was a part of the planning…we all kind of had our own post wedding depression because it was over but then finally came to realize that it was wasn’t the wedding day that fully mattered, it is what comes after! God knows your heart, Jordan and Dani is right there with you in this journey. So glad you posted this!

  • Reply
    Alison Rebecca Martin
    July 11, 2018 at 3:29 pm

    Thank you for sharing, Jordan. My husband and I have been married for 6 years now and have been through lots of ups and downs at this point. I love that you guys talked through your emotions once you were able to communicate them to Dani, that’s a huge part of how our marriage has grown stronger through trials. It takes a lot of courage to share your inner fears with someone who is able to see right down to your soul.

    I wanted to add one more thought. I know your worry that marriage would be the end of some of your dreams is SO common. If it’s any encouragement to others reading this, both mine and my husband’s dreams have only been strengthened, clarified, multiplied, and become more tangible through our marriage. Imagine the crazy things two dreamers can come up with! It’s one of the best parts of marriage.

  • Reply
    Nadine
    July 11, 2018 at 4:12 pm

    This is written beautifully! Thank you for sharing Jordan!

  • Reply
    Tabitha
    July 11, 2018 at 4:35 pm

    Jordan! You are phenomenal. As a woman who spends so much time analyzing my own emotions, this really got me thinking about how I tend to expect men to do it less simply because they don’t talk about it. You sharing this is such a blessing for men! I look forward to sharing this with my future husband one day. Thank you.

  • Reply
    Jolie Hornyak
    July 11, 2018 at 5:05 pm

    I have been married for 25 years and am so in awe of your wisdom and clarity at this age! You are a keeper!💕

  • Reply
    Courtney
    July 11, 2018 at 5:06 pm

    This was so beautiful and what a guy Dani has that he would not only open up to her but to all of her readers. I can’t wait to see the Journey you two go on because I know it will be filled with so many amazing things!

  • Reply
    Cali
    July 11, 2018 at 5:45 pm

    Yes! The best thing that happened for me during enagement is when a friend of mine asked how marriage planning was going. I was so confused. Everyone wants to know about wedding planning. It’s fun to talk about! But a wedding is a day, the marriage is a lifetime after that. Our planning time should reflect that difference. Without this perspective I would’ve fallen into the exact same trap.

  • Reply
    Katelyn Eddleman
    July 11, 2018 at 5:49 pm

    Love your perspective. There is so much truth in this!

    • Reply
      Alexsandra
      July 11, 2018 at 8:30 pm

      Thanks so much Jordan! I can’t wait to read more from you. I have been married for a year and one month now. We have gone through something similar with sharing emotions and not conveying them as good as we should’ve. I have also related to Dani when she talked about how you two had gotten into an argument the first day of your cruise because of what she expected. My expectations are some of the hardest things to let go of, but automatically affect my mood when I’m let down. Which is like always… I am a dreamer and have unrealistic expectations. Thanks again for this read.
      I wish we could become close friends (See? Here is my unrealistic expectations coming out again! LOL). Love you both!

  • Reply
    Cassandra
    July 11, 2018 at 9:32 pm

    Wow that was so good! Thank you!!

  • Reply
    Natalie
    July 11, 2018 at 11:20 pm

    Jordan this is awesome, thanks for sharing! I think this will be helpful for a lot of people.

  • Reply
    Nike
    July 11, 2018 at 11:33 pm

    I think a lot of people feel this way but are never honest about it. Thank you for sharing Jordan and thanks for the awesome advice.

  • Reply
    Jen Naudin
    July 12, 2018 at 5:35 am

    Jordan, that was beautiful and truly special for you to share. I love the videos of you and Dani. You both seem so real and honest… God bless you both in your new life together. So happy that you both have one another.

  • Reply
    Tracy_rinaldi@yahoo.com
    July 12, 2018 at 6:59 am

    Great post Jordan~ thank you for sharing!

  • Reply
    Leisa Brady
    July 12, 2018 at 11:23 am

    Jordan it’s so lovely to read a guys perspective!! So awesome that you shared this with us. I’m 52 and although was married for 17 years to my childhood sweetheart we are now divorced but I would not change it for the world. I loved marriage and learnt so much. We are still the best of friends and share a beautiful daughter. I think had he felt able to share his fears things might have been different. Thankyou for sharing and writing such an awesome blog. Sending you and Dani much love from Australia Leisa Xxx

  • Reply
    Kathryn
    July 12, 2018 at 12:49 pm

    I can’t wait to share this with my fiance! We are getting married in August of 2019 and I think this is definitely going to be an important mindset to keep throughout the whole process. Not only can I help him prepare, but I, myself, am now prepared for the day after the best day ever. Thanks for being so open and honest, Jordan! God Bless!

  • Reply
    Ami
    July 18, 2018 at 3:52 pm

    WOW… I love that you wrote this Jordan! I can’t wait to share it with my fiance because the topics you hit on are so spot on! Thank you for being open with us about this, can’t wait to read more and more of your future blog posts!

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